This, mes amis, is the culinary equivalent of Victor Frankenstein looking at what was laying strewn around his lab, and saying to himself…”y’know what, if I put that…there…and then stitch that…here, and then put a quarter of a million volts through it…yeah…that’d be cool….”
In my defence I…ermmm…I can….nope, sorry folks, my bad…there simply is no defence. This is, when all is said and done, a lumbering monster of an impromptu, ad-hoc, don’t-try-this-at-home-kids kind of a dessert, crafted by a fevered brain, dog-tired after too long a week at work, and like Vic F’s creation it’s after revenge, which most likely will be visited upon my very own digestive tubes in the wee small hours on a cloudless, moonlit night.
Ingredients and method (your last chance to turn back)
This will be somewhat imprecise regarding detailed instructions, which is probably nature’s way of trying to ensure this never gets made in exactly the same way ever again.
- Start with roughly 6 or 7 tablespoons of almond milk in a small bowl. Add about 1 and a half teaspoons of 100% cacao powder, about 3 tablespoons of ground almonds, and 2 tablespoons dessicated coconut. Mix well.
- De-seed half a small yellow melon. Scoop out the flesh, and chop roughly. Save the melon shell for later. Mix the chopped melon with the cacao, almond and coconut concoction.
- Spoon the muddy melon mixture back into the melon shell.
- Rinse off a good few strawberries, then cut them in half lengthways. Arrange them in such a manner as to off-set the brutal looking melon debris. To enjoy the full-on experience of this dish, scoop a bit of muddy melon up with a strawberry half.
- After the first few mouthfuls, begin to realise it’s not as bad as you thought it might be.
- With a mixture of amazement and self-loathing begin to realise that this dish is starting to grow on you.
- Continue all the way to the “scrape every scrap out of the shell” stage. Pronounce dish actually rather wonderful, and vow to make it again, and soon.
To max out the almond and coconut factors, next time I think I’ll try drizzling a drop of coconut milk over just before serving, and adding some almond flakes as a garnish.
Now is probably the time to cackle insanely, and wonder what that angry mob outside with flaming torches and pitchforks want at this unearthly hour….